@_youhadonejob1: Doesn't seem very hygienic.
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@JermHimselfish: Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it's girlfriend tells it to do.
@ibid78: "Dave's coming over." -Dave from work or Dave that doesn't know how doors work? [doorknob sorta jiggles for like 20 minutes]
@timdonakowski: After weeks of being called lazy, not only did I put up all our Christmas decorations today, I also took them down.
@KalvinMacleod: ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark SHARK: [biting my torso] today's your lucky day ME: *gets hit by lightning*