*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
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yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
My biological clock is wheezing.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more