@NoTheOtherJohn: *doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don't stand for national anthem*
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@XplodingUnicorn: My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon. She learned to fight in prison.
@thetits: [texting] ME: I like you, I think you're cute MY CRUSH: oh um ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
@envydatropic: If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do? You go home because it's your favorite one being used Math is easy