Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
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I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo