WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle