DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
You Might Also Like
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.