DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
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Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.