Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
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Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
dude it’s called proctologist
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Put a ring on it
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread