dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
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“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
My beach vacation Google searches
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.