dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
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Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
White parent Vs Arab parents
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed