DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Lol
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”