DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”