DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
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WHO DID THIS?
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.