DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
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[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.