DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
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I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
My typo game is string.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
How do dragons blow out candles?
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.