I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
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Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
*seductively eats two tums*
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing