I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
You Might Also Like
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Said the murderer.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words