[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
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*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.