[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
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There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”