DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
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[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
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All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?