DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
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waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really