DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
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I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*