DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
You Might Also Like
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.