Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
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I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.