“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
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I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
May never get over this
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.