DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
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Love this one 😂🧟
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Barbie gone wild
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Don’t talk down to me
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.