DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
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“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen