my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
You Might Also Like
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Just say no
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity