Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
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Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger