dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
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[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA