Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
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Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
can’t bark with your mouth full
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”