dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
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Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
The opposite of goth is stopth.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
you stereotypes are all alike
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
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I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*