My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
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*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.