Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
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My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair