Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
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When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Cats are still liquid.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch