Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
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The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Message from the dog groomers
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!