Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
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[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.