DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
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five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense