@jonnysun: DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
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@StaceyShortcake: My phone autocorrects 'sex' into 'pez' in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
@cervixsmash: Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank
@TheToddWilliams: [backstage at GOP debate] AIDE: Mr. Trump needs his hair. CAT: I'm puking as fast as I can.
@TheIronSherk: You really shouldn't label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.