DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
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HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
also my go-to takeaway order
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?