Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
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Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
😅😅😅
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear