Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
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been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search