Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
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God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.