Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
You Might Also Like
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
oh u like geography? name every lake