[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
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If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”