[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
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Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.