[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
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Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?