[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
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Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”