Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
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It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
happy valentine’s day to me
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.