*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
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wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.