@TheAlexNevil: *Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to "stay"
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@TeflonPawn: If you're looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
@c_always_wright: high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
@KevinFarzad: According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that's why it's so tragically hard to meet
@ArfMeasures: CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another? ME: (OK don't blow this) Sure *she hands me her empty glass & leaves*