@TheAlexNevil: *Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to "stay"
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@OmgMeDamnit: Don't waste time thinking about what's wrong with you. Instead, focus on what's wrong with other people.
@tryped: Me: I am sad, we don't have any cookie crumble for my ice cream. Wife: lots of things make me sad, like being married to a giant man baby
@shesxridiculous: If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
@kelkulus: Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.