@TheAlexNevil: *Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to "stay"
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@KalvinMacleod: BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead 911: did u murder him? BLACK WIDOW: uh 911: ma'am BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
@themiltron: [God creating beards] ADAM: God, I don’t like my face. GOD: Tell ya what, buddy: I’ll cover it in pubes. ADAM: What? That’s not— GOD: Done.
@LizzieEMB: Turns out when you're a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout... *pizza dough plops on head*