*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
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A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.