*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
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[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
This will teach them to underestimate me
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.