DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
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Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”