*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
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Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I don’t get marriage
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”